I woke up early at 3 o’clock today and I can’t sleep. Why? I am a little bit sad perhaps it’s just a physical and mental state of another “not in a good mood” feeling. So, I prepared a cup of coffee and played my collection of sentimental songs in my laptop. This is a compilation of my favorite love songs named Cruisin Songs. Then I went to the sala and sat in the green covered sofa while sipping a cup of coffee with Boo beside me. While listening to music and sitting there calmly, I felt sad may be because I was easily emotionally driven by the sad songs in which my past and present memories collided at that very moment. Why? It’s another blue moments of my frustrations.
The Fall (love)
In my thoughts, I asked myself this, “Why should I keep loving a person who doesn’t love me at all?” Ever since I started “giving love” in its pure existence I always fall with the wrong person or end up in a one-sided love in which I am always the one being played on. This made me felt sad at this moment. I remembered all the struggles, heartaches and sorrows I’ve been through since I was a teenager and until now. I believe in “true love” but basing on my experiences in this regard, if you only know, it made me believe that it’s just a mirage of a perfect happy ending love story in a movie. “It’s just a dream and it doesn’t exist,” I said to myself.
I grew up and living life in the third world country, a poor nation where poverty and corruption is predominant. I always asked myself this, “Is it really greener in the other field?” Every time I hear the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow I always thought of what does it feel living in other countries like Europe or America. They say a talented skilful young person like me will have a better opportunity if I will extend my life there till the end. “But how,” I asked myself. May be because of fear of “what ifs” or just simply I don’t have the “it” to be there or make the first step to do so or the capacity or means to be there. Oh well I have to face the sad reality living life here in my day-to-day struggle.
Jack of All Trades (work) and modern slavery
I can still remember when I was just a child I used to sell drumsticks and newspapers during Saturdays and Sundays where school days are off just to have some money to buy food during school recess and food at lunch. I’ve also became an errand boy when I was in high school then worked in fast food chains during college in order to have some add-on money for my allowance and tuition fee. When I graduated in college, I’ve worked too in various hospitals for many years. I lose interest and got bored in hospital work so I change my career working in a call center, a modern slavery, according to some. Why? One reason is the time a person has to work. A normal person works during day shifts but in a call center here you needed to work at “night” in which my body struggled so hard just to adjust to shifting schedules. Though I like the payment scheme but my mind and body couldn’t continue struggling this way so I give up. Now, I am trying my best to incorporate all my skills and talent in my website through my art and writing in order to make a living.
I need this and I want that (things)
I lived a poor life ever since I was a child and I have some sad frustrations to things that I like to have but I can’t since my mom can’t afford it and ending up crying or forgetting about it. Now, I’m in my young adult age, I still have frustrations of things I want but I get use to it. I find a way to be contented and happy to things I have and forgetting the things I wish to have or want to have.
If a wishing well exist I will only have one wish that is I wish that all my dreams and wishes come true. I always dream of making my passion come to reality and one of my frustrations and keep on struggling in order to make it is that I want to be a well-known and respected visual artist worldwide exhibiting my artworks to major galleries in the world, making profitable worthwhile sales through this, seeing old masters piece of art in various galleries, meeting great collectors of art, and meeting people in the art community. One of my frustrations is that I’m a simple person living a simple life in the third world with minimal means of support. I always feel sad and frustrated every time “I turn down opportunities” like invitation through email or phone call for an exhibition of my artwork or one man show in a major art gallery in the other side of the world.